This is a spoof. Absolutely no doubt about it. The second storyline ("SH-1") parodies the scenarios of "Stargate: SG-1" - another great sci-fi series. The characters "Hil" and "Billary" are definately exaggerated political commentary ("Verde Grenouille", by the way, is French for "green frog"). I also took shots at the generic time/dimensional traveler who always speaks in vague generalities and saves the universe, as well as the technobabble common to most sci-fi - including the first Hyperion script. I couldn't resist referencing the current Star Trek series - and the title is a modification of a hilarious ST:TOS episode's title, "A Piece of the Action".
Captain Cecelia "Ceil" Lastufka
Commander T'Roc - First Officer
Lieutenant Raj Chandra - Chief Medical Officer, not used
Lieutenant Tanya Ramon - Science Officer
Ensign Rosalynn McKay - Tactical Officer
Ensign Michael Anderson - Helmsman
One of Six - Chief Engineer
Havoc - Communications Officer
Romulan Government Personnel
Teaser:Setting: Verde Grenouille sits in front of screen talking to Senator, unseen. G's quarters.
Grenouille: I find that my position has become increasingly precarious. My supervisors now suspect that someone is making copies of those government files and sending them to an alien agency. It's only a matter of time before they find me.
Senator: This is most unfortunate - you are one of our only contacts within the Federation bureaucracy. I am reluctant to sever our link with you.
Grenouille: I can offer a compromise.
Senator: (interested) Please, continue.
Grenouille: If you offer me sanctuary in the Romulan Star Empire, I can lie low for a few months, and then, assuming another name, work my way into the Federation again. Is this acceptable?
Senator: (pause) It appears to be the best we can hope for under the circumstances. I will obtain the grant of sanctuary for you. Meet me at these coordinates.
Grenouille: I'll be there. Grenouille out. (hits button. Door bursts open. McKay enters, with gun.)
McKay: Freeze, turkey! You're under arrest! (remembers something) Oh, yes. Ensign Rosalyn McKay, Starfleet Secret Service. You're arrested on the charge of… uh… leaking vital Federation documents to a Threat Entity. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used as evidence against you in court. (Grenouille hits a button on his desk
and transports out. McKay fires too late.) Oh, shoot.
(Grenouille materializes in cockpit of ship and streaks out into space.)
Act One, Scene OneSetting: Hyperion bridge
Ceil: Keep tracking him, Ramon.
Ramon: I've got his profile. It's a Corvette 380 equipped with Warp 9.9 capabilities.
Ceil: Evenly matched, huh?
(hits comm. Badge) Six, get those engines ready. Get everything out of them that you possibly can. McKay, are you on board?
McKay's voice: Yes, ma'am.
Ceil: Anderson, pursuit course. We want this guy ASAP.
Scene Two(Hyperion in warp) Hyperion bridge
Ceil: T'Roc, how are we doing?
T'Roc: He is gradually gaining.
Ceil: Is he in weapons range?
McKay: Just outside. If we could get a little closer, we'd have a better chance of actually hitting him.
Ceil: (hits comm. badge) Engineering, can't you get a little more out of that warp core?
Six's voice: I'm attempting it, Captain. It's not easy.
Ceil: Well, do your best. T'Roc, what was this guy's name again?
T'Roc: It was a French name, captain.
Ceil: I said name, not ethnicity.
T'Roc: I cannot pronounce it…
McKay: Captain, it was - (looks at PADD) Gren - ou -ille. Or - Ghwen - ooo -eeyy. Something like that.
Ceil: ( moves closer to M. and tries it) Gren- ou - ille?? Whatever. Let's try the spy. The traitor.
McKay: That's fine with me.
Anderson: Captain, he's changing course.
Ceil: (moves to sit in chair) Follow.
T'Roc: We appear to be heading towards a class G star.
Ceil: Where's Ramon? (hits comm. badge) Ramon?
Ramon's voice: Ma'am, I'm off duty.
Ceil: Get up here.
Ramon's voice: But captain, it's the season finale of Star Track! Captain Spearman is in deadly peril!
Ceil: Tape it. But get up here!
Ramon's voice: Yes, ma'am.
T'Roc: (goes to Ramon's station) He is passing close by the surface of the star.
Ceil: Keep an eye out for anything-
T'Roc: Captain! Solar Flare imminent!
Ceil: Anderson! Get us away - (falls back, along with bridge crew. Shot of Hyperion being flung into space, being engulfed by flare.
Back to bridge, darkened, lights blinking, people on floor in chaos. Tasha Yar has appeared on floor.)
Yar: (sits up groaning, holding head): Oh, drat. (McKay points gun at her)
Ceil: (gapes, gets to her feet) Who on earth are you?
Yar: (smiles weakly) Hi. I hate crossing planes - I always get a splitting headache. (stands up)
Ceil: You mind explaining?
Yar: I will if you take that gun off me - Rosalynn McKay. (Ceil nods, McKay lowers gun) That's better. (holds out hand) I'm Tasha Yar. (McKay grabs PADD and looks her up)
Ceil: Nice to meet you - why are you here and what's "crossing planes"?
Yar: I'm here on a matter of business - actually, I'm trying to save the world.
Ceil: That's nice. We'd love to help, but…
McKay: (studies PADD) Lieutenant Tasha Yar? Didn't your hair used to be blonde?
Yar: I changed it. Do you have a problem with that?
McKay: Um … Tasha Yar of Enterprise-D?
Yar: (Cheerfully) That's me - sort of.
McKay: You're dead.
Yar: Yes - sort of. Death is only the beginning of a journey.
McKay: How can you be "sort of" dead? There's dead and there's alive.
Yar: Sort of. Yeah.
McKay: In fact, you died twice.
Yar: Three times.
Ceil: (off camera) Sort of.
Yar: Look, would you just accept the fact that I'm here?
Ceil: Sort of.
Yar: Would you quit? I mean, I'm trying to save the world here. And there's a lot more to the world than time and space - sort of.
Ceil: Would you quit? That "sort of" thing is getting on my nerves.
McKay: Sort - (Ceil glares at her, she shuts up)
Yar: OK, OK. I need to use the holodeck.
Ceil: The holodeck?
Yar: There's a program there - SH-1 - that parallels activity in the - um, where I spend my time.
McKay: When you're not being killed?
Yar: Yeah. It's getting pretty bad - the hostilities - and if I can't change things by using the holodeck, the consequences could be - serious.
Havoc: Sort of?
Yar: No, not sort of. Definitely serious. (Walks over to Havoc) You play SH-1 sometimes, don't you?
Havoc: Yes! I'm Colonel O'Neat! Wanna play? You can be Major Crater!
Yar: All right. Ceil make sure that the holodeck receives constant power. (exits with Havoc)
Ceil: (mutters) Was that an order, or was that an order?
Ramon: (enters) Hi -did I miss something?
Act Two, Scene OneEngineering. Six is working at wall panel.
Ceil's voice: Captain to Engineering. How's it going?
Six: Slowly. The flare took several subsystems off line.
Ceil's voice: Several?
Six: One hundred and fifty-three, to be exact. They are all interlinked.
Ceil's voice: Finish quickly. We've still got Gren - oo- iy being tracked by star bases, but he's moving fast.
Scene TwoHolodeck. Open field.
Yar: OK, so we're here, in the holodeck, on a planet called…
Havoc: ABC123. I'm Colonel O'Neat, and you're Major Crater. We're trying to get technology from the Goo to defend Earth from them.
Havoc: The Goo. There's not many of them, but they have slaves - the J'va - who fight for them.
Yar: And the Goo naturally want to take over the world.
Yar: OK, Colonel, now that I know who's who, we can get to business. We need to destroy a piece of - Goo - equipment. I don't know what they call it, but it's capable of making massive genetic modifications. It's a prototype: there's only one.
Havoc: Where is it?
Yar: It's in a ship, orbiting this planet. We'll have to sneak onto it.
Havoc: Oh, neat! Let's go play! We can use the bracelet transporter. (reveals armband with buttons, presses buttons, Yar and Havoc disappear.)
Scene ThreeGoo ship's corridor. Shot of Goo ship. Havoc and Yar materialize (appear), wave guns around, duck behind wall, look out window.
Yar: Look, there's a crater!
Havoc: Oh, neat! Do we know where this machine - thingy is?
Yar: Don't you have some sort of scanning device, Colonel?
Yar: Oh, shoot. (Havoc shoots) What'd you do that for? Do you want to give us away?
Havoc: You said to shoot, Major. You're the one with the brains. All I do is make smart remarks and tell you what to do.
Yar: Great. Where do the Goo keep their most valuable stuff?
Havoc: With them, usually. How'd you find out about this gene-splicer thing?
Yar: I'm not allowed to tell you.
Yar: You're not supposed to know.
Havoc: (pouts) You think you know everything!
Yar: Well - sort of. Not everything, but more than you do.
Yar: Colonel O'Neat, we have a big job to do. If we're going to find the machine, we need to find the Goo.
Havoc: That's easy. We can either get captured or follow all of the J'va to the main room.
Yar: If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not get captured.
Havoc: We'll probably get captured anyway. But we'll get out. We always do.
Yar: How comforting.
Havoc: Let's go. (They move off out of the room.)
Ceil: (drums fingers on chair.) Da da - da da, da da- (something beeps. Looks at display on PADD). Right. Six is done. Anderson, get out of here. (hits button)
McKay: He's well out of sensor range. We're relying on data from the deep space beacons.
Ceil: (turns to Six) Six, can't you get any more speed out of this thing?
Six: (looks at schematic, considers) Well, if I run the warp core through the Waxahachie field particle accelerator, apply a pipetter, and subject them to a high frequency nano-particle bombardment, it should produce more spatial distortion. And for the warp field - I know! Ten bursts of hypersonic pressure waves, coupled with H2O injected at precisely ninety meters per second impregnated with NaCl. Then, if we bring it a llama, sing it a lullaby, and take it on a field trip to Florida, it'll be as good as new.
Ceil: I don't know what you just said, but if it works, do it.
Scene Five Holodeck. Central room of Goo ship. Yar and Havoc hiding behind shelves/ screen, whatever.
Havoc: There's only ten J'va guarding her.
Yar: Only ten? Who do you think I am, a one-man army? Or maybe Fidel Castro? Saddam Hussein? Or Darth Vader?
Havoc: Forget it. Let's party! ( They dash out of the frame, hear shots, thuds, yells for two seconds. Switch frames to show Yar and Havoc pointing guns at Hill.)
Hill: (looks up, unsurprised) Well! What a pleasant surprise! Colonel O'Neat and Major Crater. Now what could the purpose of this visit be?
Havoc: (playing it cool) Hi, Hill. How's it going?
Yar: We were out this way, so we thought we'd drop by for a chat. Nice to see you- (begins circling) You're looking well.
Hill: As you are - for now. What brings you to my … neck of the woods?
Havoc: We're saving the world.
Hill: Saving the (laughs) world? (laughs) Don't make me (laughs) laugh. (Laughs).
Yar: It's true (brings out list) See, it's on my "to do" list. (reads) "Eat breakfast, wash the dishes, get a hair cut, save the world, wash the dog.
Hill: (puts feet up on desk) How delightful to hear about your daily habits! Of course, that list won't be any use to you - you'll be dead.
Havoc: Uh… death is only the beginning of a journey.
Hill: Glad to see you look at it so optimistically. (change of voice) Drop the weapons.
Yar: (innocently) What weapons? (brings up gun. Hill slaps button on desk, activates a floor electric shock thingamajig, Yar and Havoc jump about six feet in the air and collapse.)
Hill: (smugly) Enjoy your nap - you'll need it.
Scene six bridge
McKay: Captain, I've got a sensor lock on the Corvette. It's about two hundred thousand kilometers away. The spy's headed toward the Romulan border.
McKay: Two hundred fifty thousand kilometers.
Ceil: (disgusted) Shoot.
McKay: (doubtful) I'll try, captain… (Ceil throws her a look.) Oh, right.
Ceil: Anderson, can't this metal excuse for a snail go any faster?
Anderson: No. (pause) Captain, he's across the boundary.
Ceil: (sarcastically) Wonderful.
ACT THREE, Scene onebridge
Anderson: Pursuit course, captain?
T'Roc: (Off cam) Captain, that would be a violation of the Romulan treaty.
Ceil: (stands behind Anderson) Is that a problem?
McKay: Captain, you should at least get permission.
T'Roc: We don't want inter-stellar war on our hands.
Ceil: It'd make life a lot more interesting. (sighs) All right. Havoc - no. Anderson. Contact the Romulan Consulate.
Ceil: (dangerously) Do it, Anderson.
Anderson: Yes, ma'am. On screen.
Receptionist: You have reached the Romulan Consulate. How may I direct your call?
Ceil: To the top.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. I cannot process your request. Please rephrase it.
Ceil: This is Captain Lastufka of the Federation Titan-class U.S.S. Hyperion. I need to speak to the Praetor immediately.
Receptionist: The Praetor? I'm sorry, I cannot…
Ceil: Do it or I'll start breaking some treaties - and some heads.
Receptionist: (huffily) Very well.(flips to Praetor)
Praetor: What is the meaning of this?
Ceil: Make sure you're recording this. I'm Captain Lastufka, Federation, U.S.S. Hyperion. Does the Council know anything about a Terran in the Federation spying for the Romulans?
Praetor: A Terran spy? Of course not. Do you think we would stoop to such measures?
Ceil: Of course not. If you don't know anything about him, he can't possibly be in your protection, right?
Praetor: What? ... I mean, of course not.
Ceil: Then you've no objection to my capturing him?
Praetor: Of... course not.
Ceil: Thanks. See you around! (reaches down to close channel)
Scene Two Romulan Council
Proconsul: This is an unprecedented development.
Senator: Now the Terran captain will not be violating the treaty when she pursues our spy.
Praetor: I could not admit our knowledge of Grenouille.
Proconsul: We will just have to make sure that a patrol encounters them.
Senator: Without our knowledge.
Proconsul: Of course.
Scene Three Holodeck. Goo cell
Havoc: (sits in corner, head on hand) This is soooooo booooring!
Yar: You bet it is. So what happens next?
Havoc: Oh, the usual. Some J'va will come and gloat at us and tell us what evil things he's going to do to us.
Yar: Why does that sound typical?
Havoc: (hears footsteps) Here we go.
Billary: Hello, my prisoners.
Havoc: Hi, I'm Colonel O'Neat, and this is Major Crater.
Billary: (smirks) All right, Colonel, Major, I'm going to do horrible things to you if you don't tell me what I want to know.
Havoc: What do you want to know?
Yar: More to the point, what do you want to hear?
Billary: (ignores them) Would you like to know what horrible things I'm going to do to you? First, I'll practice my new "chop suey" move on you. Then, I'll...
Havoc: Chop suey? That's a laugh. (laughs) That's American food.
Billary: You little...
Yar: (quickly) Come in and get us, Billary. (sticks tongue out) Nyah, nyah, nyah.
Billary: (furious) You'll pay for that! (pokes staff into cell. Havoc grabs it)
Havoc: Ooooh, nice stick! Can I see it? (wrenches it out of Billary's grip and hits Billary, who collapses) Oops. Guess you have to be kind of careful with these things.
Yar: Let's get out of here. (reaches for keys on Billary's belt, and begins unlocking the door)
Scene four Bridge
Anderson: Captain, we're gaining on him.
Ceil: Keep at it. McKay, keep an eye out for company.
Ceil: T'Roc, are we in comm range yet?
T'Roc: I'm hailing him. No response.
Ceil: Send this. (stands) This is Captain Cecelia Lastufka of the U.S.S. Hyperion. Stand down immediately or we'll be forced to smash you into your component molcules.
T'Roc: No response.
McKay: Captain, we've got a problem!
(lots of Romulan warbirds decloak)
Ceil: McKay, shields and cloak! Anderson, evasive manuevers, but get us in transporter range of that spy!
McKay: Captain, can I shoot them? Pleeeease?
Ceil: No. Do you want to give us away?
McKay: The cloak is still offline. (hits comm badge) Six, I need that cloak!
Six's voice: I'm working on it.
T'Roc: We're taking damage.
Ceil: McKay, target their weapons and shield arrays until we've got the cloak.
(Battle scene. More Romulans arrive.)
Scene Five Holodeck. Goo ship corridor. Yar and Havoc in doctor's and lab uniforms.
Yar: Can't we transport into the room? I'm certain we can access the machine from Hill's desk.
Havoc: No, we can't transport into the room. Why can't we just destroy the ship?
Yar: (impatient) Because we need the prototype to develop a counteractive. (considers) Let's split up.
Havoc: Oh, neat! I'll get into the room from one direction, and you come in from another. How's that?
Yar: (sarcastically) Great idea, Colonel!
Scene Six Bridge. People weave and sway with ship.
McKay: Captain, we still haven't got that cloak up.
Six: Shields thirty percent. Structural integrity starting to drop.
Ceil: How many Romulans have we got out there?
McKay: Over fifteen warbirds, ma'am.
Ceil: Only fifteen.
Six: Captain, the last time we faced Romulans, we barely got out in one piece.
Ceil: (waves comment aside) That was only against two warbirds.
Anderson: (in protest) Captain!!!!
Six: Shields at ten.
McKay: Oh, look. The crazy test pilot telling the crazy captain she's crazy.
Ceil: (growls) McKay, you're out of line. Stop talking and start shooting.
Anderson: Can't shake them!
McKay: The best defense is a good offense.
Ceil: They are really offensive, aren't they? Do it, McKay.
McKay: Anderson, we're going to rip a path right through the middle of them - going backwards.
Anderson: (grins happily) Commencing. (Hyperion goes blasting through Romulans, fires and takes damage)
Six. Heavy damages. Hull breaches, decks 32, 20, and 19. Shields are down. Captain, I'd advise aborting the mission. Grenouille (pronounces it perfectly) is long gone.
Ceil: (disgustedly) Are you suggesting we turn tail and run? Like cowards?
Six: Yes. Ma'am.
McKay: (does victory dance) Yes! Got 'im! One down, sixteen to go!
Six: Ensign McKay, this is not a dance hall.
Ceil: Six, have you forgotten all the awesome capabilities of this ship? We are Secret Service, after all.
Six: The solar flare took most of them offline. (Considers, picks up PADD) There is one thing we could do, Captain. (hands PADD to Ceil)
Ceil: (looks at it) All right. How are those hull breaches?
Six: They've been contained.
Ceil: (grins) Well, I'm fixing to make a few more hull breaches. (hits comm badge) Lastufka to all hands. Prepare for complete frag separation. Repeat, prepare for complete frag separation. (hits commbadge) We'll forget the fact that this hasn't been done before.
Six: Structural integrity is falling to fifty percent.
Anderson: Captain, twenty more warbirds have just dropped out of warp.
McKay: (concentrating) Come on, come on. (hits button) Rats. Anderson, set me up for a stern shot to Number 2.
Six: Integrity at forty-five. (hits comm badge) All hands to frag stations immediately. Repeat, immediately.
Scene seven Holodeck. Central room. Yar and Havoc jump in, pointing guns.
Havoc: All right, Hill and Billary! The game's over! Hands in the air where I can see them!
(close up of Yar swiping something from desk and putting it in pocket.)
Hill: (sighs) I'd hoped this wouldn't happen again. Have you washed the dog yet, Major? (puts feet on desk) I know, I know. My goal of world domination may seem cliché, but it's something I feel, deep in my heart of hearts, that I have to do. (hits button.
Yar, Havoc, and Billary jump about six feet in the air and collapse) It's very important to me, you see.
Scene Eight Bridge
T'Roc: Structural integrity at ten percent. (shots shake ship)
Ceil: all hands, report when you reach your stations. (screen starts lighting up with indicators)
T'Roc: Eight percent. (more shocks)
Ceil: (under her breath) Come on, come on. (moves to Anderson's station)
T'Roc: Five... four... three, one, nought. Structural integrity is gone, Captain.
Ceil: (hands on stick) We've separated. (shot of ship in pieces)
Act Four, Scene One Space - the final frontier. Fragments of Hyperion face the Romulan warbirds. Shot of McKay at stick. Voice of captain.
Ceil: Captain to fleet. Form in attack pattern mu. McKay, you'll take the relative starboard advance, I'll take the relative port.
(Ships form up in giant "m" and encircle warbirds.) They're surrounded, Captain.
Ceil: Close it up everyone.
("Fleet" starts tightening up, but some Romulans slip through.) Drat!
McKay: Captain, suggest Attack Formation Kappa-One.
Ceil. All right, all hands, form up, Kappa-One. Like I always say - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
(pieces form into warbird) Adjust our transponder signal.
McKay Voice: Done.
Ceil: Anderson, mix in with them then get out and after the spy. (Romulans milling confusedly)
Scene two. holodeck. Goo cell.
Yar: (groans, sits up) Well, that was great.
Havoc: I bet I broke the record for the standing high jump! (silence. They shift positions) So, Major, any ideas?
Yar: (pulls out what she took from the desk) Remote.
Havoc: What's that?
Yar: Remote. For power, mainly.
Havoc: You mean we could turn off the ship?
Yar: Kind of.
Havoc: (annoyed) Major!
Yar: All right. Here's what we do. Once we get out, we go to Hill's room and turn off the ship's power so she can't zap us or call for help. Then we shoot her and turn on the power, find the prototype, put a mobile emitter on it, and get out of the holodeck.
Havoc: Oh, neat! (They stand as Billary comes to door)
Billary: Hello, my prisoners -
Yar: (points behind Billary) Oh, look! A crater! (Billary looks. Havoc reaches up and Spock shocks her shoulder. She drops) Nice. Let's go. (reaches for keys)
Scene Three Bridge
Ceil: Warp to max. Are we gaining?
T'Roc: He appears to have developed engine trouble due to the intense nature of the pursuit.
Ceil: McKay, are we in weapons range yet?
Ceil: Give him more engine trouble to think about. (hits badge) Security team delta, report to the transporter room. Lastufka to transporter room, standby to beam whats-his-name up.
McKay: Target acquired.
(Hyperion unleashes a slew of torpedoes and phasers McKay grins savagely.) He's down for the count, Captain.
Ceil: Now that was the real McKay. Transporter room, he's all yours. Anderson, get us out as soon as they have him.
Scene Four holodeck. Central room. Yar and Havoc burst into room, lights blink and go out.
Havoc: Okay, Hill, we've got you covered. Hands up where I can see them.
Hill: (pettishly) It's dark. I can't see anything.
Havoc: Too bad for you! (stuns her. she slumps into chair. Lights come on)
Yar: (inspects desk, hits button. Piece of desk slides open) Here it is. (lifts prototype out)
Havoc: Let's go! ( hits button, door opens to Hyperion corridor. They start to exit, Hill wakes up)
Hill: Colonel O'Neat, you may have won this time, but - (Havoc shoots her. A flash, sizzle, she disappears, leaving a hole in the floor.)
Yar: (points at hole) Oh, look! A crater!!
Copyright 2004 Arin Lastufka, all rights reserved worldwide.